WASHINGTON D.C. — Mutants have organized a March on Washington today to protest this afternoon’s vote on the American Health Care Act.
“This new legislative is going to financially destroy the mutant community,” said protest organizer Dr. Henry McCoy. “Can you imagine the premiums us mutants will pay in states that lift protections for people with pre-existing conditions? It’s outrageous!”
The Republican legislation would allow states to opt out of many of Obamacare’s protections and coverage requirements, putting millions of people with pre-existing conditions at risk of losing coverage and paying higher premiums.
Hundreds of mutants marched down the Mall today, despite not having a permit to protest. Police officers appeared to have no interest in trying to stop them, especially with Juggernaut leading the front of the march.
“This is not just about mutants,” said Dr. Jean Grey. “This is about all American’s who are going to suffer terrible financial costs due to this new law.”
Republican leaders insist they have the 216 votes needed to pass the legislation. They are moving forward with the vote despite not having a formal assessment from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) on how much the plan will cost and what the impact will be on Americans.
Not a single Republican representative has stepped outside of the Congressional building to speak to protestors.
“It may feel like spring, but it’s a very cold day here in Washington,” said Emma Frost.
One notably absent protestor was Wolverine. This reporter tracked him down at a local Georgetown bar for a quote, in which he asked: “What’s health insurance?”
WASHINGTON D.C. — As the FBI continues to investigate former national security advisor and retired Lt. General Michael Flynn’s connection to Russia and other foreign governments, new details are emerging about his frequent meetings with the Silver Surfer.
Sources close to the investigation claim that Flynn regularly flew to Moscow not just to meet with Vladimir Putin, but to also meet the Silver Surfer in desolate parts of Siberia where surveillance satellites would likely not detect their meetings.
Outgoing House Oversight Committee chairman, Jason Chaffetz, could only shake his head in disbelief at the breaking news. “It’s very troubling,” he said.
Troubling might be an understatement. The Silver Surfer serves as a herald for the world devourer known as Galactus.
Galactus has been turned away from devouring Earth on multiple occasions, with the help of the Avengers. But when Donald Trump was elected in November, rumors swirled that Galactus saw this as his best opportunity to consume Earth. For months people in Russia and surrounding Baltic States have reported seeing a silver streak in the sky, but those rumors were shot down as merely “alien conspiracy” stories.
It is unclear what Flynn would gain with having the Earth consumed and humanity completely destroyed. But, based on recent investigations and his sinking reputation, he probably already feels like the world is over anyway.
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Trump is furious with the federal courts. Lashing out on Twitter, Trump has bashed federal judges, particularly those of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
Recent decisions have not gone the temperamental president’s way. Courts have overturned executive orders on both the travel ban and on sanctuary cities. But now, according to sources inside the White House, Trump is gearing up for his chance to fill the future court vacancies with his own picks. On top of that list is Living Tribunal.
“President Trump believes he’ll restore “cosmic order” to the courts,” said one anonymous source. “I’m not sure he understands what that means, but that’s what he said.”
Living Tribunal would be the first humanoid judge in U.S. history. Some say this would be a step down for the cosmic judge, who’s used to deciding cases for the entirety of the multiverse.
“It would certainly limit him to just one universe,” said another White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But Trump thinks having him focused on just the U.S. will yield positive results going forward.”
Sources indicated that also high on the list are judge Joseph Dredd, attorney Harvey Dent, and Fox News contributor judge Jeanine Pirro.
CHICAGO, IL — In light of the new “Copy Cat” trend set by Marvel over the weekend, Raf’s Rag has voluntarily created a free “Initiative Template” each comic book publisher can use to jump on the Copy Cat trend.
This simple-to-use, plug-and-play template allows any publisher to announce their own new initiative that is basically an exact copy of Marvel Legacy, which is a copy of DC’s Rebirth. FREE TO USE:
The new [Initiative Name] initiative is a celebration of everything that makes [Company Name] the best in fiction and it’s a signifier of a new era for [Company Name]. It’s a loving look at the heart of [Company Name] as we embrace our roots and move enthusiastically forward with all the [Company Name] characters you know and love starring in the biggest, boldest, best [Company Name] stories. All of which kicks off with the giant [Initiative Name] special. From there, the [Initiative Name] initiative spreads out across the [Company Name] Universe, showcasing epic storylines hearkening back to the glory days of [Company Name] starring [List Character Names Here].
Image Comics wasted no time in announcing their new initiative this morning using this template:
The new Image Comics Relic initiative is a celebration of everything that makes Image Comics the best in fiction and it’s a signifier of a new era for Image Comics. It’s a loving look at the heart of Image Comics as we embrace our roots and move enthusiastically forward with all the Image Comics characters you know and love starring in the biggest, boldest, best Image Comics stories. All of which kicks off with the giant Image Comics Relic special. From there, the Image Comics Relic initiative spreads out across the Image Comics Universe, showcasing epic storylines hearkening back to the glory days of Image Comics starring Spawn, The Walking Dead Universe, Savage Dragon and more!
LONG ISLAND CITY, NEW YORK — Marvel’s Secret Empire and DC’s The Button were big events everyone expected to kick-off this week. But one big event no one anticpated was when Ron Richards, one third of the iFanBoy podcast team, shaved off his famed sideburns.
“I took my Harry’s razor yesterday and just started shaving like normal,” said Richards by Skype. “Before I knew it I was trimming higher, and higher, and higher.”
Listeners to iFanBoy’s “Pick of the Week” podcasts are familiar with Richards’ sideburns. He regularly mentions them in Harry’s promos, noting how the single blade component of their razors has helped him shape the burns (a blade that will now have limited use for Richards.)
When asked how being free of the early ‘00s style made him feel, Richards responded: “from a scale of one being Electro and 10 being X-Men’s Dark Phoenix Saga, this is definitely Dark Phoenix Saga. For sure.”
Some listeners have speculated this big event was in reaction to the recent hair transplant of co-host Conor Kilpatrick. KilPatrick has been bragging recently on podcasts about the euphoria he feels when running his hand through his new locks, causing some to believe Richards was growing jealous of Kilpatrick’s joy.
“I think Josh has been picking up on the hostility, too,” said a longtime listener about third podcast host, Josh Flanagan. The listener asked to remain anoynomous as he’s still awaiting his patron superpower.
As of the date of this article, Flanagan has made no drastic changes to his facial hair.
NEW YORK CITY — Bill O’Reilly has been fired. This comes after recent revelations of sexual harassment settlements (totaling $13 million) led to the loss of over 50 advertisers to his show “The O’Reilly Factor.”
Now, O’Reilly is firing back. The former prime-time news anchor has hired public relations expert Zebediah Kilgrave.
“Kilgrave is an incredible PR guy,” says the Daredevil of Hells Kitchen. “Not too long ago everyone knew who I was. Now…do you?”
[Reporter shakes his head]
“Exactly,” Daredevil continued. “By this time tomorrow no one will even know what sexual harassment is.”
Kilgrave is expected to meet with each O’Reilly accuser this evening. A meeting with representatives from 21st Century Fox and the Murdoch family is scheduled for tomorrow morning, followed immediately by a public press conference.
SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA — A trip meant to boost relations with North Korea has turned into a nightmare for teenage X-Men Jubilee.
News out of the recluse nation is that Jubilee was arrested shortly after the failed missle launch on Sunday. Experts believe she’s being charged as an enemy agent sent to sabotage the launch.
Jubilee was an honorary guest at the “Day of the Sun” celebration in Pyongyang. Her presence was a peace token from the United States to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, who requested an X-Men attend the festivities as part of international negotiations regarding the country’s nuclear weapons program.
“She wanted to be an ambassador of peace,” said her friend Anna Marie.
Jubilee, daughter of Chinese-American immigrants, told a newspaper in Westchester, New York, that she was “super-excited for this adventure.” She talked about how she was going to use her plasmoids to light up the North Korean sky as part of her “peace and love” firework show.
Jubilee’s last known message home was a Tweet posted Saturday morning.
Mall here is CRA-CRA! 😜 🐹✨💥😍
Vice President Mike Pence was in Seoul over the weekend, part of his four-nation Asian tour. When asked about the situation regarding Jubilee he responded, “Who?”
We reached out to the X-Men to learn if a rescue mission was underway and they referred us to the State Department.
The State Department has stated there is currently no effort to get her back.
WASHINGTON D.C. — Rex Tillerson did not receive the warm welcome he had hoped for in Moscow earlier this week. The relationship between the two Cold War powers remains frigid, prompting President Trump to tweet:
Russia treated my boy Rex very bad. Didn’t even give him a treat! Or rub his belly! Next time they won’t like who I send!
Despite still confusing the Secretary of State with his daughter Tiffany’s dog, President Trump is living up to the last part of his tweet.
As of this morning, Piotr “Peter” Rasputin, better know as Colossus and a member of the X-Men, has been named Ambassador to Russia.
Questions still remain regarding Rasputin’s immigration status, but President Trump doesn’t seem concerned and hopes Colossus will send a message of strength to Moscow. Rasputin previously served as an aid to the Trump campaign and, sources say, is being investigated for possible collusion with the Kremlin during the 2016 election.
“The Hulk is going to do amazing things. Tremendous things.” President Trump said at a news conference before being corrected by an aid (who was then immediately fired).
“This toxic relationship is quite unfortunate,” Rasputin said at the press conference. “I hope to bring good relations between my native country and my new home. I give my word.”
In response, the Russians have named former boxer, Ivan Drago, as head of security for Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov.