Grundy slips to second round of NFL Draft

PHILADELPHIA, PA — The NFL draft kicked off last night and one BIG surprise was Gotham University offensive tackle, Solomon Grundy, falling to the second round.

Grundy sat in the audience with his coach and the deceased bodies of his parents, waiting for the call that never came.

“He was heart-broken,” said his former teammate Francisco Garcia. “Solly has been working hard for this. I mean the Giants needed a lineman so bad! And they chose a tight end? I think they’ll regret that decision.”

Grundy did not speak to reporters on the way out. He reportedly turned over a news van after a reporter repeatedly tried to get a comment.

“That’s our Solly,” laughed Garcia.

That Solly he’s referring to is the quick-tempered zombie with superhuman strength, which was reportedly a source of concern for NFL scouts.

One NFL scout, who asked to remain anonymous because he’s terrified of Grundy, told us: “I once went to a GU game and Grundy got so mad about a holding call he literally ripped the goal post out of the ground and threw it a hundred yards! If only he played quarterback.”

Despite his issues, it is highly likely a team will take a chance on a player who can block an entire defensive line by himself.

A recent report claims the New England Patriots are offering the Cleveland Browns, who have the first pick of the second round, their remaining 2017 and all of their 2018 picks to swing up and draft Grundy.


Billionaire Bruce Wayne spotted at Coachella

Celebrities dressed in hippie-inspired fashion are a common sight at the annual Coachella Music Festival. But a rarity is the sight of recluse billionaire Bruce Wayne basking in the California sun.

“I had to do a double-take because I thought it was my dad,” said pop singer Nick Jonas, commenting on Wayne’s less-than-GQ fashion sense.

Wayne was spotted wearing a Banana Republic plaid, short-sleeve button down shirt tucked into khaki shorts, finished with a pair of Sperry shoes and ‘90s-styled Ray Ban sunglasses.

Despite Wayne’s beach-dad look, his date, a mysterious woman named Selena, was the talk of the festival. Wearing a headband adorned with cat ears covered in Swarovski crystals, Selena was dancing and conversing with everyone she met.

“Really cool chick. Sexy too. I think she purred in my ear when we took a selfie,” said rapper Drake.

“I saw her dancing on top of the stage rafters,” said supermodel Kendall Jenner, moments after filing a police report for a stolen diamond necklace. “That’s like really high. She must’ve been smoking that Nightmare Weed. You know, the one with the scarecrow art on the bag.”

Rumors were swirling that Wayne was trying to obtain Nightmare Weed, the new synthetic marijuana that’s been sweeping through the festival.

“I saw him staring at the bag and talking to himself,” said one festivalgoer. “I hear that [stuff] makes people nuts. But I was having a good time so I screamed at him — ‘Go back to Gotham! Journey’s not playing here!’”

Snyder announces new “Batman Goes To…” series

NEW YORK CITY — As DC and Marvel unveil their upcoming big events, Scott Snyder is unveiling one, too. And we’re not talking about Dark Nights: Metal. The acclaimed Batman writer is adding yet another Batman title to his resume — Batman Goes To…

Snyder recently released the first four titles:

  • Batman Goes to Camp
  • Batman Goes to Chuck E. Cheese with Damian
  • Batman Goes to College
  • Batman Goes to Court

“This new book was inspired by my favorite Ernest P. Worrell films,” said Snyder.

Each story will follow Batman on incredibly annoying and frustrating adventures. The first arc will culminate with Batman fighting a traffic violation to get back his impounded Bat-mobile. No artist is currently tied to this title.

“It’s going to be a big, epic Batman story with pixy sticks, skee-ball, s’mores, and an over-the-top fraternity party that’s out of this world!” Snyder shouted. “It’s all mapped out. I recently had this meeting with myself about it. It was great. It was one of the best story meetings I’ve ever had. Now I’m just waiting to meet with Geoff [Johns]. But I couldn’t hold in my excitement any longer! I had to announce it.”

Geoff Johns of DC Comics has not responded to a request for comment.

“This story will be bonkers and wonderful, but, of course, will refer back to continuity,” Snyder added. “I want it to be celebratory, and huge, and crazy. I am going for out-of-control-misquotes-and-Batman-running-out-of-bug repellant crazy! It should be fun.”