LONG ISLAND CITY, NEW YORK — Marvel’s Secret Empire and DC’s The Button were big events everyone expected to kick-off this week. But one big event no one anticpated was when Ron Richards, one third of the iFanBoy podcast team, shaved off his famed sideburns.
“I took my Harry’s razor yesterday and just started shaving like normal,” said Richards by Skype. “Before I knew it I was trimming higher, and higher, and higher.”
Listeners to iFanBoy’s “Pick of the Week” podcasts are familiar with Richards’ sideburns. He regularly mentions them in Harry’s promos, noting how the single blade component of their razors has helped him shape the burns (a blade that will now have limited use for Richards.)
When asked how being free of the early ‘00s style made him feel, Richards responded: “from a scale of one being Electro and 10 being X-Men’s Dark Phoenix Saga, this is definitely Dark Phoenix Saga. For sure.”
Some listeners have speculated this big event was in reaction to the recent hair transplant of co-host Conor Kilpatrick. KilPatrick has been bragging recently on podcasts about the euphoria he feels when running his hand through his new locks, causing some to believe Richards was growing jealous of Kilpatrick’s joy.
“I think Josh has been picking up on the hostility, too,” said a longtime listener about third podcast host, Josh Flanagan. The listener asked to remain anoynomous as he’s still awaiting his patron superpower.
As of the date of this article, Flanagan has made no drastic changes to his facial hair.
NEW YORK CITY — Bill O’Reilly has been fired. This comes after recent revelations of sexual harassment settlements (totaling $13 million) led to the loss of over 50 advertisers to his show “The O’Reilly Factor.”
Now, O’Reilly is firing back. The former prime-time news anchor has hired public relations expert Zebediah Kilgrave.
“Kilgrave is an incredible PR guy,” says the Daredevil of Hells Kitchen. “Not too long ago everyone knew who I was. Now…do you?”
[Reporter shakes his head]
“Exactly,” Daredevil continued. “By this time tomorrow no one will even know what sexual harassment is.”
Kilgrave is expected to meet with each O’Reilly accuser this evening. A meeting with representatives from 21st Century Fox and the Murdoch family is scheduled for tomorrow morning, followed immediately by a public press conference.
Celebrities dressed in hippie-inspired fashion are a common sight at the annual Coachella Music Festival. But a rarity is the sight of recluse billionaire Bruce Wayne basking in the California sun.
“I had to do a double-take because I thought it was my dad,” said pop singer Nick Jonas, commenting on Wayne’s less-than-GQ fashion sense.
Wayne was spotted wearing a Banana Republic plaid, short-sleeve button down shirt tucked into khaki shorts, finished with a pair of Sperry shoes and ‘90s-styled Ray Ban sunglasses.
Despite Wayne’s beach-dad look, his date, a mysterious woman named Selena, was the talk of the festival. Wearing a headband adorned with cat ears covered in Swarovski crystals, Selena was dancing and conversing with everyone she met.
“Really cool chick. Sexy too. I think she purred in my ear when we took a selfie,” said rapper Drake.
“I saw her dancing on top of the stage rafters,” said supermodel Kendall Jenner, moments after filing a police report for a stolen diamond necklace. “That’s like really high. She must’ve been smoking that Nightmare Weed. You know, the one with the scarecrow art on the bag.”
Rumors were swirling that Wayne was trying to obtain Nightmare Weed, the new synthetic marijuana that’s been sweeping through the festival.
“I saw him staring at the bag and talking to himself,” said one festivalgoer. “I hear that [stuff] makes people nuts. But I was having a good time so I screamed at him — ‘Go back to Gotham! Journey’s not playing here!’”
NEW YORK CITY — As DC and Marvel unveil their upcoming big events, Scott Snyder is unveiling one, too. And we’re not talking about Dark Nights: Metal. The acclaimed Batman writer is adding yet another Batman title to his resume — Batman Goes To…
Snyder recently released the first four titles:
- Batman Goes to Camp
- Batman Goes to Chuck E. Cheese with Damian
- Batman Goes to College
- Batman Goes to Court
“This new book was inspired by my favorite Ernest P. Worrell films,” said Snyder.
Each story will follow Batman on incredibly annoying and frustrating adventures. The first arc will culminate with Batman fighting a traffic violation to get back his impounded Bat-mobile. No artist is currently tied to this title.
“It’s going to be a big, epic Batman story with pixy sticks, skee-ball, s’mores, and an over-the-top fraternity party that’s out of this world!” Snyder shouted. “It’s all mapped out. I recently had this meeting with myself about it. It was great. It was one of the best story meetings I’ve ever had. Now I’m just waiting to meet with Geoff [Johns]. But I couldn’t hold in my excitement any longer! I had to announce it.”
Geoff Johns of DC Comics has not responded to a request for comment.
“This story will be bonkers and wonderful, but, of course, will refer back to continuity,” Snyder added. “I want it to be celebratory, and huge, and crazy. I am going for out-of-control-misquotes-and-Batman-running-out-of-bug repellant crazy! It should be fun.”
SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA — A trip meant to boost relations with North Korea has turned into a nightmare for teenage X-Men Jubilee.
News out of the recluse nation is that Jubilee was arrested shortly after the failed missle launch on Sunday. Experts believe she’s being charged as an enemy agent sent to sabotage the launch.
Jubilee was an honorary guest at the “Day of the Sun” celebration in Pyongyang. Her presence was a peace token from the United States to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, who requested an X-Men attend the festivities as part of international negotiations regarding the country’s nuclear weapons program.
“She wanted to be an ambassador of peace,” said her friend Anna Marie.
Jubilee, daughter of Chinese-American immigrants, told a newspaper in Westchester, New York, that she was “super-excited for this adventure.” She talked about how she was going to use her plasmoids to light up the North Korean sky as part of her “peace and love” firework show.
Jubilee’s last known message home was a Tweet posted Saturday morning.
Mall here is CRA-CRA! 😜 🐹✨💥😍
Vice President Mike Pence was in Seoul over the weekend, part of his four-nation Asian tour. When asked about the situation regarding Jubilee he responded, “Who?”
We reached out to the X-Men to learn if a rescue mission was underway and they referred us to the State Department.
The State Department has stated there is currently no effort to get her back.
WASHINGTON D.C. — Rex Tillerson did not receive the warm welcome he had hoped for in Moscow earlier this week. The relationship between the two Cold War powers remains frigid, prompting President Trump to tweet:
Russia treated my boy Rex very bad. Didn’t even give him a treat! Or rub his belly! Next time they won’t like who I send!
Despite still confusing the Secretary of State with his daughter Tiffany’s dog, President Trump is living up to the last part of his tweet.
As of this morning, Piotr “Peter” Rasputin, better know as Colossus and a member of the X-Men, has been named Ambassador to Russia.
Questions still remain regarding Rasputin’s immigration status, but President Trump doesn’t seem concerned and hopes Colossus will send a message of strength to Moscow. Rasputin previously served as an aid to the Trump campaign and, sources say, is being investigated for possible collusion with the Kremlin during the 2016 election.
“The Hulk is going to do amazing things. Tremendous things.” President Trump said at a news conference before being corrected by an aid (who was then immediately fired).
“This toxic relationship is quite unfortunate,” Rasputin said at the press conference. “I hope to bring good relations between my native country and my new home. I give my word.”
In response, the Russians have named former boxer, Ivan Drago, as head of security for Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov.
HAMILTON COUNTY — A wild night out on the farm ends in the arrest of Jon Kent, 10, son of new residents Clark and Lois Kent.
Patrolman Frank Mitchell arrested Kent for trespassing and destruction of property after he was caught cow tipping on the Johnson farm.
The Kent’s recently moved to Hamilton County from Metropolis.
“These city folk think they can do whatever they want,” said an angry Merle Johnson. “Something’s off with that boy and his family. When they first got here, their mailbox said Smith. Now it’s Kent. Who are these people?”
Patrolman Mitchell was not available for comment and was immediately put on leave after he reportedly told Sheriff John Rock he found Kent with a cow lifted above his head.
“Let me set the record straight,” said Rock. “This is about a boy who committed an illegal act and must pay for it. Nothing else.”
A source close to the investigation claimed Kent told a bizarre story while in custody. He claimed Damian Wayne, son of billionaire Bruce Wayne of Gotham City, was actually the cow tipper and he was just trying to save the cows.
Kent was released to his parents early this morning and is expected in court on Monday.
“It’s a sad story,” said Rock. “But the kid’s got to learn. You can’t break the law and lie. Next thing you know he’ll claim he can shoot laser beams from his eyes. It’s not a way to get through life.”