WASHINGTON D.C. — Mutants have organized a March on Washington today to protest this afternoon’s vote on the American Health Care Act.
“This new legislative is going to financially destroy the mutant community,” said protest organizer Dr. Henry McCoy. “Can you imagine the premiums us mutants will pay in states that lift protections for people with pre-existing conditions? It’s outrageous!”
The Republican legislation would allow states to opt out of many of Obamacare’s protections and coverage requirements, putting millions of people with pre-existing conditions at risk of losing coverage and paying higher premiums.
Hundreds of mutants marched down the Mall today, despite not having a permit to protest. Police officers appeared to have no interest in trying to stop them, especially with Juggernaut leading the front of the march.
“This is not just about mutants,” said Dr. Jean Grey. “This is about all American’s who are going to suffer terrible financial costs due to this new law.”
Republican leaders insist they have the 216 votes needed to pass the legislation. They are moving forward with the vote despite not having a formal assessment from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) on how much the plan will cost and what the impact will be on Americans.
Not a single Republican representative has stepped outside of the Congressional building to speak to protestors.
“It may feel like spring, but it’s a very cold day here in Washington,” said Emma Frost.
One notably absent protestor was Wolverine. This reporter tracked him down at a local Georgetown bar for a quote, in which he asked: “What’s health insurance?”
NEW YORK, NY — As the rich and famous gathered at the 2017 Met Gala, all the fashion talk surrounded guests Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon.
Grayson arrived sporting a blue leotard suit with an open baby blue collar and yellow shoulders pads. “It feels good to be able to express myself,” said Grayson.
Connected to his arm was the lovely Barbara Gordon who wore a purple and black, bareback gown and stylish, diamond encrusted facemask that mimicked Batman’s cowl.
“It’s such a lovely night to dress up for the world,” she said. “I can’t wait to let loose tonight.”
The couple arrived via Batmobile, sending paparazzi spinning to grab a photo of the couple stepping out of the famed, militarized car.
When asked who’s outfits they looked most forward to seeing, Gordon responded with “I don’t know, I guess maybe Katy Perry. I love her music and her style.”
Grayson didn’t seem to have to think too hard in responding with: “Bella Hadid. Easy.”
NEW YORK, NY — In a surprise announcement, Daily Bugle editor-in-chief J. Jonah Jameson has been named the new co-president of Fox News, replacing the embattled Bill Shine.
“He’s going to add a real spark to our organization,” said Rupert Murdoch, executive chairman of News Corp, the parent company of Fox News.
Never has the head of a print news organization taken over a major television news network. This has left many wondering how he landed the role with no television experience.
Sean Hannity cheered the announcement calling the hiring “a decision that will keep Fox News on top of the ratings by focusing more on America’s issues and not superhero propaganda.”
Despite the lack of industry experience, Jameson is an odd choice for this position because of his brash behavior and reputation as a provocateur. At a time when it appeared Fox News was going in a new direction, hiring Jameson seems like business as usual for company.
“I promise no more knick-knack grabbing or whatever else was going on here,” Jameson said as he was leaving the mid-town building with Sean Hannity. “This is a new day at the Bugle!”
Hannity jokingly corrected Jameson’s mistake in public, which did not go well. “What?” Jameson screamed at Hannity. “You’re fired!”
NEW YORK, NY — President Trump called into Fox & Friends this morning to announce that G.I. Joe will receive a $15 billion boost in the 2017 budget.
“This is a huge win for G.I. Joe and a huge win for America,” he said.
There is no record of a G.I. Joe team actually existing, but co-host Steve Doocy did not press the president for further detail.
At one point co-host Ainsley Earhart began nodding and smiling uncontrollably. The show cut to a commercial and quickly replaced her with another fembot.
Co-host Brian Kilmeade seemingly ignored the glitch and continued the conversation with the president by asking what this boost would do for G.I. Joe. Trump’s strange answer indicated he didn’t quite understand that G.I. Joe is a team and not one person.
“This money will give him huge — and I mean huge — muscles. It’ll be a G.I. Joe like the world’s never seen before!”
Again, Kilmeade and Doocy did not to challenge the president (ratings have been at record highs since inauguration day).
Other news networks were quick to pounce, however. Over at Morning Joe on MSNBC, host Joe Scarborough commented: “I guess the president wasn’t too happy with the latest action figure he bought for his nightly bubble baths.”
But President Trump is not backing down. Since this morning’s gafe, he’s tweeted:
G.I. Joe is an American HERO! He will now be bigger and better! Believe me. Our enemies will cower at the sight of him!
PHILADELPHIA, PA — The NFL draft kicked off last night and one BIG surprise was Gotham University offensive tackle, Solomon Grundy, falling to the second round.
Grundy sat in the audience with his coach and the deceased bodies of his parents, waiting for the call that never came.
“He was heart-broken,” said his former teammate Francisco Garcia. “Solly has been working hard for this. I mean the Giants needed a lineman so bad! And they chose a tight end? I think they’ll regret that decision.”
Grundy did not speak to reporters on the way out. He reportedly turned over a news van after a reporter repeatedly tried to get a comment.
“That’s our Solly,” laughed Garcia.
That Solly he’s referring to is the quick-tempered zombie with superhuman strength, which was reportedly a source of concern for NFL scouts.
One NFL scout, who asked to remain anonymous because he’s terrified of Grundy, told us: “I once went to a GU game and Grundy got so mad about a holding call he literally ripped the goal post out of the ground and threw it a hundred yards! If only he played quarterback.”
Despite his issues, it is highly likely a team will take a chance on a player who can block an entire defensive line by himself.
A recent report claims the New England Patriots are offering the Cleveland Browns, who have the first pick of the second round, their remaining 2017 and all of their 2018 picks to swing up and draft Grundy.
WASHINGTON D.C. — As the FBI continues to investigate former national security advisor and retired Lt. General Michael Flynn’s connection to Russia and other foreign governments, new details are emerging about his frequent meetings with the Silver Surfer.
Sources close to the investigation claim that Flynn regularly flew to Moscow not just to meet with Vladimir Putin, but to also meet the Silver Surfer in desolate parts of Siberia where surveillance satellites would likely not detect their meetings.
Outgoing House Oversight Committee chairman, Jason Chaffetz, could only shake his head in disbelief at the breaking news. “It’s very troubling,” he said.
Troubling might be an understatement. The Silver Surfer serves as a herald for the world devourer known as Galactus.
Galactus has been turned away from devouring Earth on multiple occasions, with the help of the Avengers. But when Donald Trump was elected in November, rumors swirled that Galactus saw this as his best opportunity to consume Earth. For months people in Russia and surrounding Baltic States have reported seeing a silver streak in the sky, but those rumors were shot down as merely “alien conspiracy” stories.
It is unclear what Flynn would gain with having the Earth consumed and humanity completely destroyed. But, based on recent investigations and his sinking reputation, he probably already feels like the world is over anyway.
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Trump is furious with the federal courts. Lashing out on Twitter, Trump has bashed federal judges, particularly those of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
Recent decisions have not gone the temperamental president’s way. Courts have overturned executive orders on both the travel ban and on sanctuary cities. But now, according to sources inside the White House, Trump is gearing up for his chance to fill the future court vacancies with his own picks. On top of that list is Living Tribunal.
“President Trump believes he’ll restore “cosmic order” to the courts,” said one anonymous source. “I’m not sure he understands what that means, but that’s what he said.”
Living Tribunal would be the first humanoid judge in U.S. history. Some say this would be a step down for the cosmic judge, who’s used to deciding cases for the entirety of the multiverse.
“It would certainly limit him to just one universe,” said another White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But Trump thinks having him focused on just the U.S. will yield positive results going forward.”
Sources indicated that also high on the list are judge Joseph Dredd, attorney Harvey Dent, and Fox News contributor judge Jeanine Pirro.
WASHINGTON D.C. — U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions was spotted running out of his office this morning with a rucksack and piece of parchment screaming: “I’m going on an adventure!”
“It caught me by surprise,” said U.S. attorney, Foggy Nelson. “I just got here from New York and suddenly my boss takes off like that. Really weird.”
Nelson says he remembers seeing Sessions last sitting on a bench outside his office swinging his legs and smoking his beloved pipe.
“Must’ve been some good stuff in that pipe,” added Nelson.
Sources closer to Sessions said he had been meeting with what they believed was his priest every morning for the last three days. They described the priest having a long gray beard and wearing a tattered robe and carrying a wooden shaft.
President Trump has been briefed on this latest development and seemed delighted by the news. “I think he’s off looking for a special ring I lost long ago,” Trump told Brietbart News. “I told him how tremendous it was. Tremendous. He said he would find it. I said go.”
Many of Trumps highest cabinet appointments were gifted with “special” rings, including Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. That brings the total of 19 rings gifted.
When CNN released a story this morning about Trump’s upcoming 100-day mark, Trump angrily Tweeted about Sessions in his response:
.@CNN When Jeff brings that ring back everyone will forget this 100-day FAKE nonsense! Believe me!