WASHINGTON D.C. — Mutants have organized a March on Washington today to protest this afternoon’s vote on the American Health Care Act.
“This new legislative is going to financially destroy the mutant community,” said protest organizer Dr. Henry McCoy. “Can you imagine the premiums us mutants will pay in states that lift protections for people with pre-existing conditions? It’s outrageous!”
The Republican legislation would allow states to opt out of many of Obamacare’s protections and coverage requirements, putting millions of people with pre-existing conditions at risk of losing coverage and paying higher premiums.
Hundreds of mutants marched down the Mall today, despite not having a permit to protest. Police officers appeared to have no interest in trying to stop them, especially with Juggernaut leading the front of the march.
“This is not just about mutants,” said Dr. Jean Grey. “This is about all American’s who are going to suffer terrible financial costs due to this new law.”
Republican leaders insist they have the 216 votes needed to pass the legislation. They are moving forward with the vote despite not having a formal assessment from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) on how much the plan will cost and what the impact will be on Americans.
Not a single Republican representative has stepped outside of the Congressional building to speak to protestors.
“It may feel like spring, but it’s a very cold day here in Washington,” said Emma Frost.
One notably absent protestor was Wolverine. This reporter tracked him down at a local Georgetown bar for a quote, in which he asked: “What’s health insurance?”
NEW YORK, NY — In a surprise announcement, Daily Bugle editor-in-chief J. Jonah Jameson has been named the new co-president of Fox News, replacing the embattled Bill Shine.
“He’s going to add a real spark to our organization,” said Rupert Murdoch, executive chairman of News Corp, the parent company of Fox News.
Never has the head of a print news organization taken over a major television news network. This has left many wondering how he landed the role with no television experience.
Sean Hannity cheered the announcement calling the hiring “a decision that will keep Fox News on top of the ratings by focusing more on America’s issues and not superhero propaganda.”
Despite the lack of industry experience, Jameson is an odd choice for this position because of his brash behavior and reputation as a provocateur. At a time when it appeared Fox News was going in a new direction, hiring Jameson seems like business as usual for company.
“I promise no more knick-knack grabbing or whatever else was going on here,” Jameson said as he was leaving the mid-town building with Sean Hannity. “This is a new day at the Bugle!”
Hannity jokingly corrected Jameson’s mistake in public, which did not go well. “What?” Jameson screamed at Hannity. “You’re fired!”
NEW YORK, NY — President Trump called into Fox & Friends this morning to announce that G.I. Joe will receive a $15 billion boost in the 2017 budget.
“This is a huge win for G.I. Joe and a huge win for America,” he said.
There is no record of a G.I. Joe team actually existing, but co-host Steve Doocy did not press the president for further detail.
At one point co-host Ainsley Earhart began nodding and smiling uncontrollably. The show cut to a commercial and quickly replaced her with another fembot.
Co-host Brian Kilmeade seemingly ignored the glitch and continued the conversation with the president by asking what this boost would do for G.I. Joe. Trump’s strange answer indicated he didn’t quite understand that G.I. Joe is a team and not one person.
“This money will give him huge — and I mean huge — muscles. It’ll be a G.I. Joe like the world’s never seen before!”
Again, Kilmeade and Doocy did not to challenge the president (ratings have been at record highs since inauguration day).
Other news networks were quick to pounce, however. Over at Morning Joe on MSNBC, host Joe Scarborough commented: “I guess the president wasn’t too happy with the latest action figure he bought for his nightly bubble baths.”
But President Trump is not backing down. Since this morning’s gafe, he’s tweeted:
G.I. Joe is an American HERO! He will now be bigger and better! Believe me. Our enemies will cower at the sight of him!
WASHINGTON D.C. — As the FBI continues to investigate former national security advisor and retired Lt. General Michael Flynn’s connection to Russia and other foreign governments, new details are emerging about his frequent meetings with the Silver Surfer.
Sources close to the investigation claim that Flynn regularly flew to Moscow not just to meet with Vladimir Putin, but to also meet the Silver Surfer in desolate parts of Siberia where surveillance satellites would likely not detect their meetings.
Outgoing House Oversight Committee chairman, Jason Chaffetz, could only shake his head in disbelief at the breaking news. “It’s very troubling,” he said.
Troubling might be an understatement. The Silver Surfer serves as a herald for the world devourer known as Galactus.
Galactus has been turned away from devouring Earth on multiple occasions, with the help of the Avengers. But when Donald Trump was elected in November, rumors swirled that Galactus saw this as his best opportunity to consume Earth. For months people in Russia and surrounding Baltic States have reported seeing a silver streak in the sky, but those rumors were shot down as merely “alien conspiracy” stories.
It is unclear what Flynn would gain with having the Earth consumed and humanity completely destroyed. But, based on recent investigations and his sinking reputation, he probably already feels like the world is over anyway.
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Trump is furious with the federal courts. Lashing out on Twitter, Trump has bashed federal judges, particularly those of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
Recent decisions have not gone the temperamental president’s way. Courts have overturned executive orders on both the travel ban and on sanctuary cities. But now, according to sources inside the White House, Trump is gearing up for his chance to fill the future court vacancies with his own picks. On top of that list is Living Tribunal.
“President Trump believes he’ll restore “cosmic order” to the courts,” said one anonymous source. “I’m not sure he understands what that means, but that’s what he said.”
Living Tribunal would be the first humanoid judge in U.S. history. Some say this would be a step down for the cosmic judge, who’s used to deciding cases for the entirety of the multiverse.
“It would certainly limit him to just one universe,” said another White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But Trump thinks having him focused on just the U.S. will yield positive results going forward.”
Sources indicated that also high on the list are judge Joseph Dredd, attorney Harvey Dent, and Fox News contributor judge Jeanine Pirro.
CHICAGO, IL — In light of the new “Copy Cat” trend set by Marvel over the weekend, Raf’s Rag has voluntarily created a free “Initiative Template” each comic book publisher can use to jump on the Copy Cat trend.
This simple-to-use, plug-and-play template allows any publisher to announce their own new initiative that is basically an exact copy of Marvel Legacy, which is a copy of DC’s Rebirth. FREE TO USE:
The new [Initiative Name] initiative is a celebration of everything that makes [Company Name] the best in fiction and it’s a signifier of a new era for [Company Name]. It’s a loving look at the heart of [Company Name] as we embrace our roots and move enthusiastically forward with all the [Company Name] characters you know and love starring in the biggest, boldest, best [Company Name] stories. All of which kicks off with the giant [Initiative Name] special. From there, the [Initiative Name] initiative spreads out across the [Company Name] Universe, showcasing epic storylines hearkening back to the glory days of [Company Name] starring [List Character Names Here].
Image Comics wasted no time in announcing their new initiative this morning using this template:
The new Image Comics Relic initiative is a celebration of everything that makes Image Comics the best in fiction and it’s a signifier of a new era for Image Comics. It’s a loving look at the heart of Image Comics as we embrace our roots and move enthusiastically forward with all the Image Comics characters you know and love starring in the biggest, boldest, best Image Comics stories. All of which kicks off with the giant Image Comics Relic special. From there, the Image Comics Relic initiative spreads out across the Image Comics Universe, showcasing epic storylines hearkening back to the glory days of Image Comics starring Spawn, The Walking Dead Universe, Savage Dragon and more!
LOS ANGELES, CA — As Universal prepares for another lucrative box office weekend for their latest Fast and the Furious franchise movie, The Fate of the Furious, producers are already preparing for the next film in the franchise.
Late last night when no one was paying attention, the studio announced that Kato, the famed chauffeur/enforcer for the Green Hornet, will join the cast of the ninth franchise installment.
“I am huge fan of movies,” said Kato. “I look forward to meeting Rock and kicking butt.”
Bringing in Kato opens door for more martial arts in the next Fast and the Furious installment.
“I’ve been a huge fan of Kato since I was a kid,” said actor Jason Statham. “He was a big inspiration for me. He’s the reason my mum got arrested when I was six after I shot bottle rocks from the hood of the car….I was also driving it.”
Speaking of cars, also pulling onto the set of the next film will be Kato’s famed car, The Black Beauty. The 1966 Imperial Crown Hardtop will have to compete against much newer and faster cars being used in the films, but Kato doesn’t seem worried.
“Last week, when driver in front of me go slow. I shot it with rocket and cleared road,” said Kato. “No Ferrari can do that.”
When Tyrese Gibson heard the news, he couldn’t hold in his excitement. He quickly tweeted out:
KATO!!! Great casting. Can’t wait to ask him what it was like to live with OJ! #freeloader #fastandIlostcount #amIstillinthesemovies?
LONG ISLAND CITY, NEW YORK — Marvel’s Secret Empire and DC’s The Button were big events everyone expected to kick-off this week. But one big event no one anticpated was when Ron Richards, one third of the iFanBoy podcast team, shaved off his famed sideburns.
“I took my Harry’s razor yesterday and just started shaving like normal,” said Richards by Skype. “Before I knew it I was trimming higher, and higher, and higher.”
Listeners to iFanBoy’s “Pick of the Week” podcasts are familiar with Richards’ sideburns. He regularly mentions them in Harry’s promos, noting how the single blade component of their razors has helped him shape the burns (a blade that will now have limited use for Richards.)
When asked how being free of the early ‘00s style made him feel, Richards responded: “from a scale of one being Electro and 10 being X-Men’s Dark Phoenix Saga, this is definitely Dark Phoenix Saga. For sure.”
Some listeners have speculated this big event was in reaction to the recent hair transplant of co-host Conor Kilpatrick. KilPatrick has been bragging recently on podcasts about the euphoria he feels when running his hand through his new locks, causing some to believe Richards was growing jealous of Kilpatrick’s joy.
“I think Josh has been picking up on the hostility, too,” said a longtime listener about third podcast host, Josh Flanagan. The listener asked to remain anoynomous as he’s still awaiting his patron superpower.
As of the date of this article, Flanagan has made no drastic changes to his facial hair.
NEW YORK CITY — Bill O’Reilly has been fired. This comes after recent revelations of sexual harassment settlements (totaling $13 million) led to the loss of over 50 advertisers to his show “The O’Reilly Factor.”
Now, O’Reilly is firing back. The former prime-time news anchor has hired public relations expert Zebediah Kilgrave.
“Kilgrave is an incredible PR guy,” says the Daredevil of Hells Kitchen. “Not too long ago everyone knew who I was. Now…do you?”
[Reporter shakes his head]
“Exactly,” Daredevil continued. “By this time tomorrow no one will even know what sexual harassment is.”
Kilgrave is expected to meet with each O’Reilly accuser this evening. A meeting with representatives from 21st Century Fox and the Murdoch family is scheduled for tomorrow morning, followed immediately by a public press conference.
Celebrities dressed in hippie-inspired fashion are a common sight at the annual Coachella Music Festival. But a rarity is the sight of recluse billionaire Bruce Wayne basking in the California sun.
“I had to do a double-take because I thought it was my dad,” said pop singer Nick Jonas, commenting on Wayne’s less-than-GQ fashion sense.
Wayne was spotted wearing a Banana Republic plaid, short-sleeve button down shirt tucked into khaki shorts, finished with a pair of Sperry shoes and ‘90s-styled Ray Ban sunglasses.
Despite Wayne’s beach-dad look, his date, a mysterious woman named Selena, was the talk of the festival. Wearing a headband adorned with cat ears covered in Swarovski crystals, Selena was dancing and conversing with everyone she met.
“Really cool chick. Sexy too. I think she purred in my ear when we took a selfie,” said rapper Drake.
“I saw her dancing on top of the stage rafters,” said supermodel Kendall Jenner, moments after filing a police report for a stolen diamond necklace. “That’s like really high. She must’ve been smoking that Nightmare Weed. You know, the one with the scarecrow art on the bag.”
Rumors were swirling that Wayne was trying to obtain Nightmare Weed, the new synthetic marijuana that’s been sweeping through the festival.
“I saw him staring at the bag and talking to himself,” said one festivalgoer. “I hear that [stuff] makes people nuts. But I was having a good time so I screamed at him — ‘Go back to Gotham! Journey’s not playing here!’”