WASHINGTON D.C. — Mutants have organized a March on Washington today to protest this afternoon’s vote on the American Health Care Act.
“This new legislative is going to financially destroy the mutant community,” said protest organizer Dr. Henry McCoy. “Can you imagine the premiums us mutants will pay in states that lift protections for people with pre-existing conditions? It’s outrageous!”
The Republican legislation would allow states to opt out of many of Obamacare’s protections and coverage requirements, putting millions of people with pre-existing conditions at risk of losing coverage and paying higher premiums.
Hundreds of mutants marched down the Mall today, despite not having a permit to protest. Police officers appeared to have no interest in trying to stop them, especially with Juggernaut leading the front of the march.
“This is not just about mutants,” said Dr. Jean Grey. “This is about all American’s who are going to suffer terrible financial costs due to this new law.”
Republican leaders insist they have the 216 votes needed to pass the legislation. They are moving forward with the vote despite not having a formal assessment from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) on how much the plan will cost and what the impact will be on Americans.
Not a single Republican representative has stepped outside of the Congressional building to speak to protestors.
“It may feel like spring, but it’s a very cold day here in Washington,” said Emma Frost.
One notably absent protestor was Wolverine. This reporter tracked him down at a local Georgetown bar for a quote, in which he asked: “What’s health insurance?”
NEW YORK, NY — President Trump called into Fox & Friends this morning to announce that G.I. Joe will receive a $15 billion boost in the 2017 budget.
“This is a huge win for G.I. Joe and a huge win for America,” he said.
There is no record of a G.I. Joe team actually existing, but co-host Steve Doocy did not press the president for further detail.
At one point co-host Ainsley Earhart began nodding and smiling uncontrollably. The show cut to a commercial and quickly replaced her with another fembot.
Co-host Brian Kilmeade seemingly ignored the glitch and continued the conversation with the president by asking what this boost would do for G.I. Joe. Trump’s strange answer indicated he didn’t quite understand that G.I. Joe is a team and not one person.
“This money will give him huge — and I mean huge — muscles. It’ll be a G.I. Joe like the world’s never seen before!”
Again, Kilmeade and Doocy did not to challenge the president (ratings have been at record highs since inauguration day).
Other news networks were quick to pounce, however. Over at Morning Joe on MSNBC, host Joe Scarborough commented: “I guess the president wasn’t too happy with the latest action figure he bought for his nightly bubble baths.”
But President Trump is not backing down. Since this morning’s gafe, he’s tweeted:
G.I. Joe is an American HERO! He will now be bigger and better! Believe me. Our enemies will cower at the sight of him!
WASHINGTON D.C. — President Trump is furious with the federal courts. Lashing out on Twitter, Trump has bashed federal judges, particularly those of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
Recent decisions have not gone the temperamental president’s way. Courts have overturned executive orders on both the travel ban and on sanctuary cities. But now, according to sources inside the White House, Trump is gearing up for his chance to fill the future court vacancies with his own picks. On top of that list is Living Tribunal.
“President Trump believes he’ll restore “cosmic order” to the courts,” said one anonymous source. “I’m not sure he understands what that means, but that’s what he said.”
Living Tribunal would be the first humanoid judge in U.S. history. Some say this would be a step down for the cosmic judge, who’s used to deciding cases for the entirety of the multiverse.
“It would certainly limit him to just one universe,” said another White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But Trump thinks having him focused on just the U.S. will yield positive results going forward.”
Sources indicated that also high on the list are judge Joseph Dredd, attorney Harvey Dent, and Fox News contributor judge Jeanine Pirro.
CHICAGO, IL — In light of the new “Copy Cat” trend set by Marvel over the weekend, Raf’s Rag has voluntarily created a free “Initiative Template” each comic book publisher can use to jump on the Copy Cat trend.
This simple-to-use, plug-and-play template allows any publisher to announce their own new initiative that is basically an exact copy of Marvel Legacy, which is a copy of DC’s Rebirth. FREE TO USE:
The new [Initiative Name] initiative is a celebration of everything that makes [Company Name] the best in fiction and it’s a signifier of a new era for [Company Name]. It’s a loving look at the heart of [Company Name] as we embrace our roots and move enthusiastically forward with all the [Company Name] characters you know and love starring in the biggest, boldest, best [Company Name] stories. All of which kicks off with the giant [Initiative Name] special. From there, the [Initiative Name] initiative spreads out across the [Company Name] Universe, showcasing epic storylines hearkening back to the glory days of [Company Name] starring [List Character Names Here].
Image Comics wasted no time in announcing their new initiative this morning using this template:
The new Image Comics Relic initiative is a celebration of everything that makes Image Comics the best in fiction and it’s a signifier of a new era for Image Comics. It’s a loving look at the heart of Image Comics as we embrace our roots and move enthusiastically forward with all the Image Comics characters you know and love starring in the biggest, boldest, best Image Comics stories. All of which kicks off with the giant Image Comics Relic special. From there, the Image Comics Relic initiative spreads out across the Image Comics Universe, showcasing epic storylines hearkening back to the glory days of Image Comics starring Spawn, The Walking Dead Universe, Savage Dragon and more!