Mutants “March on Washington” to protest health care law vote

WASHINGTON D.C. — Mutants have organized a March on Washington today to protest this afternoon’s vote on the American Health Care Act.

“This new legislative is going to financially destroy the mutant community,” said protest organizer Dr. Henry McCoy. “Can you imagine the premiums us mutants will pay in states that lift protections for people with pre-existing conditions? It’s outrageous!”

The Republican legislation would allow states to opt out of many of Obamacare’s protections and coverage requirements, putting millions of people with pre-existing conditions at risk of losing coverage and paying higher premiums.

Hundreds of mutants marched down the Mall today, despite not having a permit to protest. Police officers appeared to have no interest in trying to stop them, especially with Juggernaut leading the front of the march.

“This is not just about mutants,” said Dr. Jean Grey. “This is about all American’s who are going to suffer terrible financial costs due to this new law.”

Republican leaders insist they have the 216 votes needed to pass the legislation. They are moving forward with the vote despite not having a formal assessment from the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) on how much the plan will cost and what the impact will be on Americans.

Not a single Republican representative has stepped outside of the Congressional building to speak to protestors.

“It may feel like spring, but it’s a very cold day here in Washington,” said Emma Frost.

One notably absent protestor was Wolverine. This reporter tracked him down at a local Georgetown bar for a quote, in which he asked: “What’s health insurance?”

Grayson, Gordon attend Met Gala in style

NEW YORK, NY — As the rich and famous gathered at the 2017 Met Gala, all the fashion talk surrounded guests Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon.

Grayson arrived sporting a blue leotard suit with an open baby blue collar and yellow shoulders pads. “It feels good to be able to express myself,” said Grayson.

Connected to his arm was the lovely Barbara Gordon who wore a purple and black, bareback gown and stylish, diamond encrusted facemask that mimicked Batman’s cowl.

“It’s such a lovely night to dress up for the world,” she said. “I can’t wait to let loose tonight.”

The couple arrived via Batmobile, sending paparazzi spinning to grab a photo of the couple stepping out of the famed, militarized car.

When asked who’s outfits they looked most forward to seeing, Gordon responded with “I don’t know, I guess maybe Katy Perry. I love her music and her style.”

Grayson didn’t seem to have to think too hard in responding with: “Bella Hadid. Easy.”

G.I. Joe gets $15 billion boost from budget deal

NEW YORK, NY — President Trump called into Fox & Friends this morning to announce that G.I. Joe will receive a $15 billion boost in the 2017 budget.

“This is a huge win for G.I. Joe and a huge win for America,” he said.

There is no record of a G.I. Joe team actually existing, but co-host Steve Doocy did not press the president for further detail.

At one point co-host Ainsley Earhart began nodding and smiling uncontrollably. The show cut to a commercial and quickly replaced her with another fembot.

Co-host Brian Kilmeade seemingly ignored the glitch and continued the conversation with the president by asking what this boost would do for G.I. Joe. Trump’s strange answer indicated he didn’t quite understand that G.I. Joe is a team and not one person.

“This money will give him huge — and I mean huge — muscles. It’ll be a G.I. Joe like the world’s never seen before!”

Again, Kilmeade and Doocy did not to challenge the president (ratings have been at record highs since inauguration day).

Other news networks were quick to pounce, however. Over at Morning Joe on MSNBC, host Joe Scarborough commented: “I guess the president wasn’t too happy with the latest action figure he bought for his nightly bubble baths.”

But President Trump is not backing down. Since this morning’s gafe, he’s tweeted:

G.I. Joe is an American HERO! He will now be bigger and better! Believe me. Our       enemies will cower at the sight of him!

 

Grundy slips to second round of NFL Draft

PHILADELPHIA, PA — The NFL draft kicked off last night and one BIG surprise was Gotham University offensive tackle, Solomon Grundy, falling to the second round.

Grundy sat in the audience with his coach and the deceased bodies of his parents, waiting for the call that never came.

“He was heart-broken,” said his former teammate Francisco Garcia. “Solly has been working hard for this. I mean the Giants needed a lineman so bad! And they chose a tight end? I think they’ll regret that decision.”

Grundy did not speak to reporters on the way out. He reportedly turned over a news van after a reporter repeatedly tried to get a comment.

“That’s our Solly,” laughed Garcia.

That Solly he’s referring to is the quick-tempered zombie with superhuman strength, which was reportedly a source of concern for NFL scouts.

One NFL scout, who asked to remain anonymous because he’s terrified of Grundy, told us: “I once went to a GU game and Grundy got so mad about a holding call he literally ripped the goal post out of the ground and threw it a hundred yards! If only he played quarterback.”

Despite his issues, it is highly likely a team will take a chance on a player who can block an entire defensive line by himself.

A recent report claims the New England Patriots are offering the Cleveland Browns, who have the first pick of the second round, their remaining 2017 and all of their 2018 picks to swing up and draft Grundy.

Trump considering Living Tribunal for future federal judge vacancy

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Trump is furious with the federal courts. Lashing out on Twitter, Trump has bashed federal judges, particularly those of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

Recent decisions have not gone the temperamental president’s way. Courts have overturned executive orders on both the travel ban and on sanctuary cities. But now, according to sources inside the White House, Trump is gearing up for his chance to fill the future court vacancies with his own picks. On top of that list is Living Tribunal.

“President Trump believes he’ll restore “cosmic order” to the courts,” said one anonymous source. “I’m not sure he understands what that means, but that’s what he said.”

Living Tribunal would be the first humanoid judge in U.S. history. Some say this would be a step down for the cosmic judge, who’s used to deciding cases for the entirety of the multiverse.

“It would certainly limit him to just one universe,” said another White House aide who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But Trump thinks having him focused on just the U.S. will yield positive results going forward.”

Sources indicated that also high on the list are judge Joseph Dredd, attorney Harvey Dent, and Fox News contributor judge Jeanine Pirro.

FREE “Initiative Template” For ALL Comic Publishers

CHICAGO, IL — In light of the new “Copy Cat” trend set by Marvel over the weekend, Raf’s Rag has voluntarily created a free “Initiative Template” each comic book publisher can use to jump on the Copy Cat trend.

This simple-to-use, plug-and-play template allows any publisher to announce their own new initiative that is basically an exact copy of Marvel Legacy, which is a copy of DC’s Rebirth. FREE TO USE:

The new [Initiative Name] initiative is a celebration of everything that makes [Company Name] the best in fiction and it’s a signifier of a new era for [Company Name]. It’s a loving look at the heart of [Company Name] as we embrace our roots and move enthusiastically forward with all the [Company Name] characters you know and love starring in the biggest, boldest, best [Company Name] stories. All of which kicks off with the giant [Initiative Name] special. From there, the [Initiative Name] initiative spreads out across the [Company Name] Universe, showcasing epic storylines hearkening back to the glory days of [Company Name] starring [List Character Names Here].

Image Comics wasted no time in announcing their new initiative this morning using this template:

The new Image Comics Relic initiative is a celebration of everything that makes Image Comics the best in fiction and it’s a signifier of a new era for Image Comics. It’s a loving look at the heart of Image Comics as we embrace our roots and move enthusiastically forward with all the Image Comics characters you know and love starring in the biggest, boldest, best Image Comics stories. All of which kicks off with the giant Image Comics Relic special. From there, the Image Comics Relic initiative spreads out across the Image Comics Universe, showcasing epic storylines hearkening back to the glory days of Image Comics starring Spawn, The Walking Dead Universe, Savage Dragon and more!

Green Hornet sidekick joins next Fast and the Furious film

LOS ANGELES, CA — As Universal prepares for another lucrative box office weekend for their latest Fast and the Furious franchise movie, The Fate of the Furious, producers are already preparing for the next film in the franchise.

Late last night when no one was paying attention, the studio announced that Kato, the famed chauffeur/enforcer for the Green Hornet, will join the cast of the ninth franchise installment.

“I am huge fan of movies,” said Kato. “I look forward to meeting Rock and kicking butt.”

Bringing in Kato opens door for more martial arts in the next Fast and the Furious installment.

“I’ve been a huge fan of Kato since I was a kid,” said actor Jason Statham. “He was a big inspiration for me. He’s the reason my mum got arrested when I was six after I shot bottle rocks from the hood of the car….I was also driving it.”

Speaking of cars, also pulling onto the set of the next film will be Kato’s famed car, The Black Beauty. The 1966 Imperial Crown Hardtop will have to compete against much newer and faster cars being used in the films, but Kato doesn’t seem worried.

“Last week, when driver in front of me go slow. I shot it with rocket and cleared road,” said Kato. “No Ferrari can do that.”

When Tyrese Gibson heard the news, he couldn’t hold in his excitement. He quickly tweeted out:

KATO!!! Great casting. Can’t wait to ask him what it was like to live with OJ!            #freeloader #fastandIlostcount #amIstillinthesemovies?

Ron Richards of iFanBoy shaves off his sideburns

LONG ISLAND CITY, NEW YORK — Marvel’s Secret Empire and DC’s The Button were big events everyone expected to kick-off this week. But one big event no one anticpated was when Ron Richards, one third of the iFanBoy podcast team, shaved off his famed sideburns.

“I took my Harry’s razor yesterday and just started shaving like normal,” said Richards by Skype. “Before I knew it I was trimming higher, and higher, and higher.”

Listeners to iFanBoy’s “Pick of the Week” podcasts are familiar with Richards’ sideburns. He regularly mentions them in Harry’s promos, noting how the single blade component of their razors has helped him shape the burns (a blade that will now have limited use for Richards.)

When asked how being free of the early ‘00s style made him feel, Richards responded: “from a scale of one being Electro and 10 being X-Men’s Dark Phoenix Saga, this is definitely Dark Phoenix Saga. For sure.”

Some listeners have speculated this big event was in reaction to the recent hair transplant of co-host Conor Kilpatrick. KilPatrick has been bragging recently on podcasts about the euphoria he feels when running his hand through his new locks, causing some to believe Richards was growing jealous of Kilpatrick’s joy.

“I think Josh has been picking up on the hostility, too,” said a longtime listener about third podcast host, Josh Flanagan. The listener asked to remain anoynomous as he’s still awaiting his patron superpower.

As of the date of this article, Flanagan has made no drastic changes to his facial hair.

 

Billionaire Bruce Wayne spotted at Coachella

Celebrities dressed in hippie-inspired fashion are a common sight at the annual Coachella Music Festival. But a rarity is the sight of recluse billionaire Bruce Wayne basking in the California sun.

“I had to do a double-take because I thought it was my dad,” said pop singer Nick Jonas, commenting on Wayne’s less-than-GQ fashion sense.

Wayne was spotted wearing a Banana Republic plaid, short-sleeve button down shirt tucked into khaki shorts, finished with a pair of Sperry shoes and ‘90s-styled Ray Ban sunglasses.

Despite Wayne’s beach-dad look, his date, a mysterious woman named Selena, was the talk of the festival. Wearing a headband adorned with cat ears covered in Swarovski crystals, Selena was dancing and conversing with everyone she met.

“Really cool chick. Sexy too. I think she purred in my ear when we took a selfie,” said rapper Drake.

“I saw her dancing on top of the stage rafters,” said supermodel Kendall Jenner, moments after filing a police report for a stolen diamond necklace. “That’s like really high. She must’ve been smoking that Nightmare Weed. You know, the one with the scarecrow art on the bag.”

Rumors were swirling that Wayne was trying to obtain Nightmare Weed, the new synthetic marijuana that’s been sweeping through the festival.

“I saw him staring at the bag and talking to himself,” said one festivalgoer. “I hear that [stuff] makes people nuts. But I was having a good time so I screamed at him — ‘Go back to Gotham! Journey’s not playing here!’”

Snyder announces new “Batman Goes To…” series

NEW YORK CITY — As DC and Marvel unveil their upcoming big events, Scott Snyder is unveiling one, too. And we’re not talking about Dark Nights: Metal. The acclaimed Batman writer is adding yet another Batman title to his resume — Batman Goes To…

Snyder recently released the first four titles:

  • Batman Goes to Camp
  • Batman Goes to Chuck E. Cheese with Damian
  • Batman Goes to College
  • Batman Goes to Court

“This new book was inspired by my favorite Ernest P. Worrell films,” said Snyder.

Each story will follow Batman on incredibly annoying and frustrating adventures. The first arc will culminate with Batman fighting a traffic violation to get back his impounded Bat-mobile. No artist is currently tied to this title.

“It’s going to be a big, epic Batman story with pixy sticks, skee-ball, s’mores, and an over-the-top fraternity party that’s out of this world!” Snyder shouted. “It’s all mapped out. I recently had this meeting with myself about it. It was great. It was one of the best story meetings I’ve ever had. Now I’m just waiting to meet with Geoff [Johns]. But I couldn’t hold in my excitement any longer! I had to announce it.”

Geoff Johns of DC Comics has not responded to a request for comment.

“This story will be bonkers and wonderful, but, of course, will refer back to continuity,” Snyder added. “I want it to be celebratory, and huge, and crazy. I am going for out-of-control-misquotes-and-Batman-running-out-of-bug repellant crazy! It should be fun.”